Understanding Relationships
Relationship Crisis, Attachment Types & Narcissism
If couples cannot find their way out of the crisis on their own, coaching can provide important approaches and get the relationship back on track. There is no one-size-fits-all approach to couples therapy. The approaches are as different as the couples themselves and the personalities that shape them. That is why, as a therapist, I focus on the individual. Based on the individual requirements, we work together to develop an overall concept on which we build the coaching.
relationship crisis
Trennung ja oder nein?
"... in good times and in bad" it is supposed to last, the great, eternal love. A promise that unfortunately does not always come true. Too many things have a negative influence on a relationship over the years. They shape the relationship and sometimes leave partners no other choice than to make the difficult decision to separate. But this - in the truest sense of the word - "decision" is not easy.
In my practice I am often confronted with these questions:
Couldn't it go on after all?
In which cases is it better to separate?
When should I give love a (new) chance?
Why do I always end up with the wrong person?
There is no general answer. Every partnership is unique. And every relationship is worth considering individually. It helps to look at the different reasons that can raise doubts about a relationship and possibly lead to consequences, including the following reasons for separation:
egoism
Different future perspectives
incomprehension
long-distance relationship
disputes over banalities
lack of sexual contact
infidelity
Nobody is incapable of relationships
Despite all the natural and existing needs for love, affection and intimacy, there are people who repeatedly end up with the wrong person - and often despair as a result. The British psychiatrist and psychoanalyst John Bowlby provides a plausible explanation with the attachment theory he developed. This goes back a long way, to the beginning of our lives:
As babies, the first thing we learn is that we are dependent on others; that is the only way we can achieve something. For example, if we are hungry, we cry and the person we care for will take care of us. These behaviors that lead to a goal can be very different: babies react angrily, compassionately, desperately, or even confidently. The crucial thing is that this goal-oriented - and quite selfish, because it is vital for survival - behavior is formed very early on and is a kind of blueprint for our later, individual interactions with others. Not least in relationships.
In fact, attachment behavior plays an enormous role in the search for a partner, the choice of partner, and the so-called relationship competence, i.e. the way in which we (can) lead a relationship. The model of psychologists Amir Levine and Rachel Heller helps here with 3 attachment types that are not gender-specific:
1. The secure attachment type
Basically the ideal relationship partner: He can handle closeness, but can also easily tolerate distance. People with a secure attachment type have stable partnerships, are almost always in relationships and are rarely single. This group represents around 50% of the population.
2. The anxious attachment type
He needs a lot of closeness and is constantly worried about whether his partner really loves him. If doubts arise or he feels rejected, he will increase his efforts and courtship. His behavior turns into protest. His credo: "You have to earn love." Around 20% of the population belong to the anxious relationship type.
3. The avoidant relationship type
He seeks distance because he equates intimacy and closeness with the loss of his independence. Nevertheless, this type feels a longing for closeness. But he always needs a certain distance in order not to become absorbed in a relationship. The signals he sends to his partner are correspondingly ambiguous. 20% of the population also belong to the avoidant relationship type. In addition to those mentioned, there are also some mixed forms, although these mostly fall into the area of personality disorders (narcissism, borderline, etc.).
The following applies to all binding types:
They want to use their behavior to prevent future injuries that they have experienced or feared. They develop protective strategies that have a far-reaching and lasting influence on their choice of partner and on their relationship. The potential for conflict between the attachment types is therefore obvious.
What type of attachment am I?
Solutions to incorrect attachment behavior
In my practice, I offer partner counseling as a sustainable way to break out of the cycle of the relationship system. The basis of the help is that those affected, especially in the getting-to-know-you phase, come to the conclusion that a partnership is possible, can be shaped and has a chance of lasting.
Behaviors that we develop as a form of protection hinder us in our search for a partner. They strengthen our fears and beliefs. It is crucial here to reduce false beliefs to absurdity and replace them with new strategies. The protective strategies that have been adopted must be recognized in order to change or abandon them.
The question of whether a relationship has come to an end or deserves a (new) chance is not easy for those affected. As part of my relationship coaching and consultations, we develop solutions together and look at your personal situation. It is important to look at both sides, with all their demands, doubts and hopes.
Do you have questions about relationship crises and attachment behavior?